February 05, 2020

The Motions of Unemployment Part 2

Encroaching upon my one year anniversary of renewal of life I begin to declutter the remnants of the past. A job I've been putting off for, well almost a year now, I doused myself with some Kendrick Lamar to begin my purging mood. This has been something I've put off for quite a while since it is painful to return to memories of a life I've left behind me, or more so a chapter of my life.

I cannot say it's been a process that's been easy, since getting to the point of reimagining my life in a positive way has taken me a long time. It's still a process. Everyday is a lesson for me. Somedays better than others. This post has taken me a couple of days to write specifically because of those hard days that keep me in bed, comparing myself to the life I wish I had, the person I wish I was. It's a process of accepting myself.

To begin with, now out of full-time employment, and instead working towards establishing my art and independent source(s) of income, I have more time to contemplate. I'm not busy like I was before. When I worked as a teacher, I had no time to myself. Weekends were consumed with thoughts about work, and many times I spent my days at school, catching up or trying to prep for the following week. I was never satisfied with my work product, nor with myself. I self medicated daily, felt depressed and suicidal almost every day. I became reclusive and spent most of my time alone, high, feeling anxious, depressed, stressed and inadequate in all areas of my life. I was in a long-distance relationship which felt even further since he was emotionally distant. It was painful and pathetic.

Now with so much more time on my hands, I have been able to dig deeper into myself. This isn't always pretty, it isn't always meditative and many times I feel depressed about my situation now, barely making enough money to pay the bills. I wish I could paint a perfectly beautiful picture of this life, but I must admit the struggle that comes with the uncertainty of not working. Telling though, is that I have chosen not to pursue another teaching job. After a couple of interviews, I knew that I did not want to be in the classroom. I did not want to participate anymore.

So after getting fired, I got a roommate and began nannying. In my mind this was an easy way to keep the bills paid while still giving me time to breath, to draw, to dance, to sing and to just be. Strange how seemingly shameful it is to just live and get by without having a 5 year plan or career path. Deep down inside though, I know it's not shameful, it's life. We live, we die. Nothing else is certain. Why have I spent so much time chasing the proverbial carrot? To what end? Most importantly, when the journey is unnecessarily painful, why do we put ourselves through it?

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